Transcript of the Balancing Parenthood and Writing with Malva Gasowski

Wendy Jones :

0:02

Hi, and welcome to the writing and Marketing Show brought to you by author Wendy H. Jones. This show does exactly what it says on the tin. It's jam packed with interviews, advice, hints, tips and news to help you with the business of writing. It's all wrapped up in one lively podcast, so it's time to get on with the show. And welcome to Episode 24 of the writing and Marketing Show with author entrepreneur Wendy Jones. Today I have another fabulous guest for you. It's Malva Gasowski And I hope I've said that right. And she is mother and daughter coaching and more about Malva in a moment. So what's been happening in my life this week? It's been a phenomenal week. Yesterday, I released a brand new book with 22 other inspirational and powerful women from around the globe and Malva is one of the contributors. I'm so honoured to be a part of This anthology, which is, 23 women telling their stories of how they found their why, and transformed their lives, and when you bring it out to help empower other women. So it's been a phenomenal, phenomenal, phenomenal project. And the person who headed up was a lady called pervy tanta from India. So a truly global community has brought this together. And it's been amazing. It's been a whistle stop tour since yesterday morning, because literally, we have gone to number one in several places in the world. And we're heading straight up the charts and it looks like we might be able to get to number one in Amazon, overall, the whole store. We're already number one in hot noodle leases. We're number one in hot noodle leases in the USA. It's been a thrilling week, I can tell you, and so we're going to talk about Malva in a moment. Then we'll meet But firstly, if you're enjoying the show, I love bringing you it but it does take a lot of time out of my writing. (...) Now I'm going to introduce you to Malva. As I say, I'm hoping against hope I've actually got Malva name right. But Malva Gasowski is a business trainer and coach as well as a pair, a parent and couples coach and counsellor. She's a strong believer as a human to human connection in both learning and teaching. She helps women become happy moms with a positive form and balanced work life. She helps dads be fulfilled in their parenting roles as well as helping them manage their team at work. She helps couples find their spark and resolve the issues. Helps single people grow a loving relationship with themselves to feel fulfilled in their life. As an international business trainer and coach, she helps people achieve success in their companies. And she's done so with top international corporations. She's a firm believer of the happy wife, happy, happy wife saying, and for her, it means you should work on being or having a happy home to have a successful career. Even if you're a stay at home mom, taking care of the home is a career as well. It also means that partners should work together to create a happy home for the benefit of all of our sites, parents, children and careers. You can find her at coaching mother and all and she says she's also a mom of three, hence the name, mother. So without further ado, let's actually meet Malva. I'm here with Malva. Hi, how are you?



Malva Gasowski :

3:57

Hi, Wendy. Thank you for having me.



Wendy Jones :

4:00

Oh, it's so good to have you. Welcome to the show. Thank you. You've got the most awesome name I've ever come across Malva Gasowski. What does Malva mean



Malva Gasowski :

4:14

Malva is the Latin name for hibiscus the flower of Hawaii. It's quite interesting of the history because my name is Malva so flower my daughter's name is Lily. So again, may Lily she was born in May so flower and my mom's name is blueberry. So we have a nature path going on in our family of girls.



Wendy Jones :

4:33

Wow. Those are the coolest names I've ever come across and knocks mine into a coked hat as they would say around here.



Malva Gasowski :

4:41

Oh no, it's beautiful.



Wendy Jones :

4:44

Peter Pan and Wendy's. And that was where that came from. It was never heard until it was made up for Peter Pan.



Malva Gasowski :

4:51

Yeah.



Wendy Jones :

4:53

And by a lovely Scotsman J.M. Barry was Scottish. He comes from about 10 miles. away from me. So there we go.



Malva Gasowski :

5:05

Your name is beautiful. Thank you,



Wendy Jones :

5:07

it actually means friend. That's what my name means. Anyway, much as I would love to discuss names all day, people are not here to listen to, you know the meaning of names really. They're here to talk about balancing parenthood and writing, which I think is a brilliant topic to be discussing. Now, as I say, I'm excited to have you here because I know you're a successful life and parenting coach, but I would assume you're also a parent. Tell us a little bit about yourself.



Malva Gasowski :

5:35

Okay, thank you. Well, I'm a mom. I'm a mom of three. I say I'm a mom, because this is my most important job of my life. This is where I devote most of my time. But I'm also a mom for more which means that I am an entrepreneur that is trying to juggle parenting life, as well as my business career and taking into account that I also have a husband. So I say I'm a mom of three a mompreneur, and a wife. I got a lot of roles in my hands.



Wendy Jones :

6:03

You do have a lot of roles. I don't know how you juggle them, especially at the moment when we're all on lockdown. So none of the kids are in school



Malva Gasowski :

6:11

I've been homeschooling since 2013. So the fact that my kids are not going elsewhere to school is not a change. So taking that into consideration, I know how stressful it can be for some parents to be able to juggle working at home, homeschooling your kids and making sure that you're saying so I always say in this lockdown, stay safe and stay sane. The rest will just fall in its place.



Wendy Jones :

6:35

Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. And I'm even more in awe of you know, Malva, I know you homeschool as well. That's pretty impressive. Thank you. I'm on my own and can barely cope with it all. So I don't know how you do it. But we're going to find out and that's what it's about. And you have a really interesting back then. And I love the fact that you help him to be more fulfilled as pimps and balances with the work life. Both of us who can't envisage how this would work, tell us a bit about it.



Malva Gasowski :

7:04

So I am a parenting coach and a couples counsellor meaning. I have a master's in couples counselling and I have a diploma in CO parenting coach and parenting coaching because I believe that once a couple starts developing a relationship sooner or later they have kids either their own kids or biologically biologically their own kids or adopted or even just a cat, let's say so the element of parenting is always there. Furthermore, you are a child yourself as a parent. So again, there is a parent relationship there. That is why being a parenting coach is actually working with people so they can work through the relationships that they have had in their life that influence them and the relationships that they are creating in the future. But because my business background is also a as a business coach and a business trainer I am what they call an international business trainer, which means I fly around the world and train managers and CEOs of big international companies on their communication skills and their managing of their teams, conflict management and, and whatnot. So balancing the work life and the family life has really progressed and naturally into something that is called, in my opinion, positive parenting based on emotional bonding, because I really don't care who is paying the bills. Sometimes it's a b2b. So the corporation sometimes it's a b2c, so the customer and sometimes it's me because I do a lot of volunteer work. So but for me, human connection and making sure we connect with others and our families and our peers on a deeper level will allow us to get through any of the hardships that will come along our way.



Wendy Jones :

9:00

Wow, yeah, that's that's really clear actually, you've set it out quite nicely. So you talk about home, or home and parenting and what balance? Why is it so important that to get the right balance?



Malva Gasowski :

9:15

What I believe is we need to balance our food we need to balance our life we need to make sure that we feel stable emotionally as well. So it's quite a natural consequence to say, you know, we need to better balance our life and our responsibility when it comes to parenting relationship and our works. Why do I say we need to balance if we say control or if we say manage, this puts a force that we need to implement on those relationships. But when we say balance, that means we also use the word mutual respect and acknowledgement into that as well. Meaning I am not going to manage my kids so order them around But I'm going to balance that relationship making sure that my kids have a right to say something as well, because they are perfect just the way they are. And they just need to learn how to communicate in order for our relationship to be fruitful. And the same thing happens at work. As a manager, you can't just be the boss, the dictator, so to speak, you need to know how to cooperate and communicate with your team. And therefore balance that communication out. So your people are not afraid to come to you when there's something wrong. And furthermore, your people are not afraid to come to you when they have ideas, because you will not knock down their ideas, but say, Alright, this is amazing. This can work or I'm sorry, we still need to work on that idea. Thanks for coming and sharing. So making sure that there is an open flow of communication, balancing both life at work and life at home will give like an inner peace to the people that I work with and that is my, that is my goal.



Wendy Jones :

11:03

No, that's great. I love the way you say it's mutual respect. So that is the balance, you know, and allowing everyone that voice that, yeah, I can understand why that is so important. And you're not the only person in a relationship. There are other people there. And you may want to work and just work. But there are other people who have seen this. So, hey, great advice there. And writers often work from home and they do that around the stress of parenting and running a home. Can you talk us through some strategies that would help with this?



Malva Gasowski :

11:38

Of course. So, positive parenting means also giving freedom power and showing boundaries to the people that are in the relationship and by relationship, I mean, you your partner, and your children. If you give everyone a sense of power, a sense of love and a sense of control, they are going to be happy within the settings. limits. What does that mean? For example, if I tell my children Mommy needs 20 minutes to work right now, they know they they have to leave me alone and for that 20 minutes they have to fend for themselves and before I say that I make sure that they are fed I make sure that they are safe and I make sure that they are engaged for that 20 minutes so I for example, give them play doh, which they do usually don't play with but for that 20 minutes that Play Doh which is a novelty will keep them engaged. Also, you know, if you are a writer and you need some time to concentrate, when I have articles to write, I love to do it in the middle of the night because I know that no one is going to disturb me there. So my my phone is off my computer is off the internet and internet access is off because I want to zone in and concentrate only on on my work. So I found the most productive time of day for me is between three In the morning and six in the morning where I am rested because I went to sleep earlier, and I am alone where I can concentrate and actually have that writer's flow going which allows me to connect with the with the readers later on as opposed to doing it when there's so much juggling of everyday activities. So again, if you are working at home and you need to write something, make sure you find your your peaceful spot. What if it's a place or if it's a time of day, that will actually create calmness as opposed to anxiety because trying to fit in a piece of calmness in the hectic schedule is not going to be easy. So make sure that it's planned, make sure that it's prepared and if it's not working, because it's creating even more anxiety for you and stress for your children and tantrums. That means this isn't the right time or place. Let's find Something else. So again, it's a work in progress, making sure that your kids are taken care of they are entertained for that time that you need, and that you have a peace of mind as well, whatever it may be for your family.



Wendy Jones :

14:13

Not that sounds absolutely great, you're right, but just programming in that place of calmness that can really help. And I know a lot of writers that you know, will write in the middle of the night because it's more peaceful then and, you know, some of the most successful writers got up and wrote in the middle of the night, so I like it. The one thing I can know I can hear listeners world wasting. It's all very well for you, this would never work in my situation. What would you say to them?



Malva Gasowski :

14:43

You know what nothing is for everyone. Meaning some people like apples, some people like bananas, but they're eating fruit. So maybe the exact thing that I am doing may not work for you, but try to find what somebody The similarities. So again, if it's not working for you, change it, switch it up a bit, make sure that you find something that is working for you on the lines of what I'm doing. So first of all, fend for your kids. Second of all, make sure that they're entertained. Third of all, make sure that you have a peace of mind and a peaceful and calming place for you to be able to write. And if it's in the morning before your kids wake up, if it's during their nap time, if it's when they go to sleep, if they're young, they go to sleep early, or if it's kids that are school age kids, well give them a reading assignment. If you are a writer, you know how important reading is. So if your kids are reading, let's make it fun. Mommy is going to write an article. In the meantime, you read a book and then we'll discuss about what the characters had done in the book. So make it an assignment for your child to have fun later with with the work that they had done. For example, recently, we were doing Narnia with my with my children and, and they loved reading the book about all the adventures and when the book finished it was it almost felt like a sense a loss to them because the story was such amazingly written. So we actually googled Narnia cookbooks and we did Narnia event parties we even made sure we did a trivia ended up in the quiz later on and made sure we made a show. So again, making sure that your work and your passion for writing is implemented in your parenting style will allow your kids to understand when you say, now it's mommy or daddy's time to create give me a moment because it'simportant for my readers.



Wendy Jones :

16:39

Wow, that's gold dust. I absolutely love it. I've got friends who are parents and writers and that, you know, that that sort of advice is going to help them know and so thank you for that. You know, I've got to do something I've never done before on the podcast. So I hope you don't mind me trying something I'm going to set you a challenge a scenario.



Malva Gasowski :

17:03

Yeah.



Wendy Jones :

17:03

Well, you've got a mother. She's also a writer. She has a deadline approaching, a publisher breathing down her neck and the manuscript can't be late. And the kids are home from school and running wild. She's close to losing it. How would you advise her?


Stop drop and listen. When there's a fire, firemen say, Stop, drop and roll. Okay, you got to stop what you're doing drop to the ground and roll in order to put out the fire. So I kind of implemented that into a parenting strategy. When you're about to lose your mind. Your kids are, you know, bouncing off the walls. This is like a fire quote unquote, situation in your house. So stop whatever you're doing, drop to the position of the child and listen, maybe they need something from you. Maybe you're not giving them what they need. That is why they're misbehaving. Children misbehave, when they need love. Okay, meaning maybe you were too busy and you didn't pay attention to them to the extent that they wanted you to. And that is why they're acting up because in the end, they want your attention good or bad. And it's your choice as a parent to decide what kind of attention Do you want to give your kids good or bad. So again, first step, stop what you're doing drop to the child's level and listen to them, ask them a question and make sure that you actually listen to what they're saying. If they're complaining because they're fighting, make sure you help you resolve that problem. If they're complaining because they want you to play with them. Then make sure you fill their bucket of their need before you can do something on your own. If you don't invest those few minutes of time for joy and love and connection with your with your child, then you will be investing an hour or two of anger, anxiety and even more stress in that relationship. Now, if I had a choice. I would prefer to put that book aside for a sec invest 10 minutes with listening to my child solving their issue and making sure that they understand you know what we've connected mommy still loves you. There's no need to have this tantrum separation anxiety or whatever conflict they are having internally or with their siblings. And then after they're calm, you say, all right, how about here you have a puzzle, do this puzzle mama is going to need half an hour a Daddy's going to need 45 minutes to write something. Give me a moment. I'll be right back. And again, showing them that you cared you gave them something to be engaged with and now you need to be engaged is going to be an amazing step. If you are a parent of a little older child, what you can do is you can tell them listen, if you have a room for a child, make sure that it's organised in sections and sectors so your child knows exactly what he or she She is playing with so for example, the kitchen section for a girl the dollhouse section and the Lego section or for a boy, you hear you have Tools section, a dollhouse section and a playhouse section, whatever the situation is, whatever your children, like my children are mixed sex so they play with all toys. They're not gender specific. So again, when I come to my child and say, all right, boys and girls, this is what we're doing. Mommy wants to come to a restaurant, okay, mommy wants to be served mommy wants food and her favourite coffee. So let's do this. You stay in your room for 20 minutes. Here's a timer prepare your room. So it looks like a restaurant, make sure that all your food is in place, and I will come with money. And I will come with a smile and a shopping cart. And we will come and do your grocery shopping and eat in your restaurant. So for the 20 minutes when the kids have that timer, they're preparing a scenario for you to play in with them. And at that time you walk away and you do your work for half an hour or 30 minutes or 40 minutes, whatever the deal was with your kids. When that timer rings, you go and play with them for another 1520 minutes and engage in that activity. Why? Because this will motivate your kids next time to prepare their room, their restaurant, their shopping, experience, whatever you have to tell them to do, because they know they're investing effort to then spend quality time with mom and dad. And it's going to be an amazing experience for them. When this is done, you can say I love you guys. Now let's do this. Let's switch it up a bit. And now I'm going to come to you as a customer who needs a mechanic. So again, clean up this restaurant, prepare the mechanic shop and I'm going to come back with my car in about 20 minutes. Let's set the timer and again, you give them time to prepare another scenario you go You write for 20 minutes or half an hour, whatever the deal was, and you come back and you engage for another 1520 minutes. So your kids actually feel that they're investing their time to have a lot of fun with mom and dad, and mom and dad has 20 minutes of freedom before they engage for another 1015 minutes.


Wow. That is that advice is some of the best advice I've ever heard. I haven't got kids. No, I wish I did. So I could put it into practice. As a children's nurse I could have done with knowing all of that as well.



Malva Gasowski :

22:32

Yeah, I when I say parenting, I also mean people who tend to two children, for example, at preschool or nannies. Yeah, it works. As long as you're a caregiver, even grandparents, you know, you're more than welcome to to use a parenting coach, especially a positive parenting coach that allows you to actually gives you some ideas and solve some of your issues in order to make the relationship work for both parties, not only for mom and dad, but for kids as well. And not only for Kids, but for mom and dad as well,



Wendy Jones :

23:01

yeah. I mean, this stuff's gold dust. It really is. It's probably the best advice I've had on the show and apologise to everybody that's gone before. But this is, this is amazing. I want to make sure every single pin I know whether they write or not listens to the show.



Malva Gasowski :

23:19

Thank you. Thank you. I hope it's helpful. Thank you everyone for listening. Yeah, right.



Wendy Jones :

23:23

There are both negative and positive feelings that run alongside being a parent. How would a parent handle the negative emotions and manage them more effectively?



Malva Gasowski :

23:33

negative emotions the parent is feeling or the child



Wendy Jones :

23:37

the negative emotions that the parent is feeling.


So when a parent is feeling negative emotions, it shouldn't be the child's responsibility to carry that weight on their shoulder. Meaning if a if a mom and dad is stressed out because of what's happening at work, make sure you don't take it out on your child. If you are stressed out and angry because of the way that Child is behaving, then again, why the question is why what what is happening? Okay? Make sure that you understand the why. Now if your child is misbehaving and you are starting to get worked up, stop dropping, listen. So again, stop what you're doing, you know, drop to the child's level and try to understand the situation. maybe just maybe you have taught your child that they will get your attention if they misbehave. Very often, parents, when children are playing by themselves, they won't go to the children to engage because they're like, Oh my God, thank goodness, a few minutes of peace and quiet. Just let me be and then the child thinks I'm playing nicely. Mom and Dad hasn't even acknowledged me, then I might as well act up to get some of their attention. So the children are not motivated enough to and you know empowered to the do their own work in a positive way, the only way they're going to get attention from mom and dad is when they're acting up, and therefore mom and dad is angry. So again, when your children are playing nicely, make sure you're engaged, even that one, two minutes with them will show them Oh my god, this is awesome. If I play nicely, Mom and Dad will still engage. And if they're misbehaving and making sure that make sure that you go to them and say, Listen, I hear you. Okay, I know you're upset for a certain reason. But I don't like the way you're speaking to me. Let's find different words that we can use so we can communicate on a level that doesn't irritate me and solves your problem. Okay, so make sure we cooperate again, mutual respect is going to give get you a long way.


Wow. No, again, you're so right. Just everything you're saying is just resonating. You know, as I say, I'm not a parent, but I have my niece's are up now. They're teenagers, but, you know, I have had been in those situations and I wish I'd had this advice many years ago.


Thank you What was your nieces and nephews are teenagers, you know teenagers are one of the most difficult children to deal with. So they say, okay, so very often teenagers can talk back to parents teenagers can slam the door in their room and leave and even I hear some parents that I work with that their teenagers scream, I hate you and the parents don't understand what's going on. And you know, the problem is that very often teenagers are starting to build up that inner voice, the inner voice that was silenced for many years because as long as you live under my roof or don't you talk back to me young lady or whatever the phrase, parents sometimes used, then, you know, all that bottled up negative feedback that maybe they had, they had wanted to give to their parents, they weren't able to now bursts out. So again, if I try yells, I hate you to mom and dad, they don't really hate you. They just hate the situation that you had put them in. Let's figure out what have you done as a parent to cause such a situation? For example, very often teenagers scream that to their parents, when their parents give the children unfair consequences for their misbehaviors. So for example, if a child was late from a party, the mom and dad will say, You're grounded. I'm taking away your phone taking away your internet privileges and I'm taking away the car keys. Then of course, the child will say I hate you. You're ruining my life because I hate the situation you're putting me in, because it's not fair. No, Mom and Dad, did you ask why the child was late? Maybe something happened. Mom and Dad. If the child was late, make sure that the consequence actually is connected to the missing behaviour and not out of the blue. Again, if the teenager was late Mum and Dad, how about you make it into a teaching moment and say what has been going on through your head? When the child was late, you were stressed you were worried you were wondering what was happening, they weren't picking up their phone, tell them your perspective. Ask them their perspective. And make sure you find a mutual agreement so that both parties are happy and not just knock them down because you have power. Okay, so again, everything is doable. Just make sure that the teenagers are also listened to and have a voice and if they use the voice in appropriately, make sure you help them create the appropriate words that actually build connection as opposed to disconnection to the parents.


No, that's great. And I think, you know, my next question because we're coming to an end, but my next question would be, what would be the top three tips? To choose if you have to choose that you would advise a parent to adopt in order to balance the life and the work more effectively.



Malva Gasowski :

29:08

First of all connection. So make sure that you connect on an emotional bond both with your workers, with your partner and with your, with your children. And that is manifested in different ways. So with your children, let's say if they're younger, give them a cuddle. If they're older, make sure you you ask to be invited into their world. If it's with a partner, find a way that connects the two of you emotionally and with when it comes to your co workers or co workers. Make sure you bond with them as well. So it's not just work, work work. They're not robots and nor are you so try to show the human face of a boss or the human face of a manager when you're there at work. So number one emotional connection and bonding to all the people will actually create now both workers and family members that have internal motivation to make this relationship work. And people will try harder. So if you have a connection with your work buddies, they will try harder to make sure that you're not upset because they will understand how important this relationship is for them and to you, so they won't want to disappoint you. And the same happens at home. So connection is number one. Number two, accountability, make sure that you are accountable for your actions and that your co workers and your family are accountable for theirs. Your children cannot be responsible for the actions of your co workers. So don't take out your work stress on your children. And if you tell your children I'll be there in 20 minutes, make sure your kids can hold you accountable and you will be there in 20 minutes and not in an hour and then say well I had work to do what's your problem? Why are you whining I'm here now. No, these are not words that we use. If you make a mistake you to apologise so be accountable and be apologetic if you make a mistake. So connection number one, number two accountability and number three, planning. Very often, parents forget to include their children and business people sometimes forget to include their co workers in the planning process of the day, week or month. Again, if you in your head have a full calendar of things to do, don't expect your children to just tag along, show them and walk them through the process of what we're doing today. what is expected of you what is expected from them, and how you can include play time in between if they're young or free time if they're older, and at work, make sure that when you have a plan as a boss, for your team, make sure other people have a right to say and give their input on the timeframes. Because as a boss, that doesn't mean you need to know everything, but it means that you need to grasp everything so if a person Manager is telling you listen, in order for me to do something, it'll take me a month. Don't say make it work in a week, because it's not possible. Okay? So again, you got to listen to the people that and and take into account their plans and their possibilities as well in the planning process. So again, the three steps that are most important in my opinion, most both at work and at home is connection, accountability, and mutual planning.



Wendy Jones :

32:26

Excellent. I love those strategies. Thank you. And I loved all the advice you've given me now i'm sure I've got listeners all over the world that want to find out more about you. And we'd probably like to contact you to explore things further. How would they go about doing this?



Malva Gasowski :

32:43

Well, thank you very much for asking. So you can find me on Facebook, Instagram and on my web page with both Facebook and Instagram, find me at coaching mother and all with the dots. And when it comes to my website, it's coaching hyphen, mother. hyphen and hyphen, all calm. So coaching-mother-and-all.com. Now, I have a super surprise for you and your listeners. If you guys are listening and you like what I do, I have everything that's budget friendly, which means you will get free content, you will have paid content, whatever the situation, but because Wendy has invited me here and you're listening to me, if you come in contact with me, when you say the word Wendy, you're going to get a free consultation from me.



Wendy Jones :

33:28

Oh, well, that's very generous of you. I'm sure you know, people will be taking you up on that. Thank you.



Malva Gasowski :

33:34

I'm looking forward to it. I want to help your listeners to put out some good work out so I can read because I'm a bookworm.



Wendy Jones :

33:42

Oh, hey, that's brilliant. Well, thank you so much. marva. This has been truly brilliant. Thank you.



Malva Gasowski :

33:48

Thank you, Wendy, for having me. Thank you, everyone for listening. I hope you have a wonderful day and please continue writing. We need morewriters in the world. Thank you.



Wendy Jones :

33:57

Take care malva Bye Thank you.


That brings us to the end of another show. It was really good to have you on the show with me today. I'm Wendy Jones and you can find me at Wendy Jones calm. You can also find me on Patreon where you can support me for as little as $3 a month, which is less than the price of a tea or coffee. You go to patreon.com forward slash Wendy h Jones. I'm also Wendy Jones on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. Thank you for joining me today and I hope you found it both useful and interesting. Join me next week when I will have another cracking guest for you. Until then, have a good week and keep writing. Keep reading and keep learning